Luke Donald Bish

I wrote this to hand out at Luke’s visitation.❤️

“What is depression like? It’s like your drowning and everyone around you is breathing.”
This is how Luke expressed it to me. It’s being alone, helpless and unable to move. When you’re depressed you can’t control your thoughts because your thoughts control you. Your mind is telling you things that aren’t true. This evil in your head tells you, your stupid, everyone’s looking at you and laughing, no one likes you, everything I do is wrong. Even though I knew those thoughts weren’t true about Luke, the evil inside him kept reassuring him that is was. He couldn’t see himself as the loving, caring, funny and thoughtful person we did.
Being a friend to someone who’s depressed is hard also. Their mood can pull everyone down that’s near them. Luke was fortunate to have friends that didn’t give up on him.
Sadness is a common feeling in human emotions. Depression is a darkness beyond sadness. Luke didn’t want to die. We talked about that a lot. He had things in life that he wanted to experience and accomplish but could never make it up the hill before he fell back down. Through therapy he was taught how to work the bad thoughts out of his mind when they were trying to overcome him. He knew what he needed to do but it wasn’t ever easy.
One thing I have learned through all of this is that suicide is not a selfish act. I used to think it was but it’s really a selfless act. Luke felt he was a burden to us and that we’d all be better without him. He would never have ended his life to intentionally hurt anyone.
I went to therapy to help me help him. I was told that 80% of the people who attempt suicide eventually are successful. I left that day mad at my therapist. After the days, weeks, months and years went on I was beginning to wonder if she was right. I slowly tried to prepare myself that it might happen. It was a rollercoaster ride that was so up and down that it just broke my heart to see him suffer. But today I learned that nothing can prepare you for this. I was never going to give up on him. I wanted to try everything we learned about. And I would’ve done anything he was willing to try.
The nights I laid in bed with my head at the foot of the bed so I could see his bedroom door in case he left. The mornings I prayed when his alarm went off that he’d just turn it off, so I knew he was still alive. When I was really worried about the state he was in, I’d sleep on a cushion in his doorway, so I’d hear if he tried to do anything or I’d know if he left his room. I would do this all over, again and again to have him here with me, but I think I’d be the selfish one wanting him to keep fighting this demon just to make me happy. Luke fought with everything he had to beat this terrible disease. He’d attempted three other times and had been hospitalized 4 times. He earned his right to be at peace. These are the hardest things for me to say because I’m going to miss Luke more that I can ever express to you. I know he loved me and knew that I loved him. Luke always hugged me and told me thanks for everything I did for him. He was the sweetest kid a mom could ask for. And I’ll thank God every day for the 22 years he gave me with him.
I ask anyone reading this to not blame Luke or anyone who suffers from depression. It isn’t their choice just as it isn’t someone’s choice to have cancer.
Depression presents itself in subtle forms: messy room, dirty clothes, unwashed dishes, sleeping a lot, not taking care of them self, skipping meals, cancelling plans. It’s hard to spot, it’s harder to talk about it, but it’s impossible to get them back once their gone. If you see signs, ask.
Thank you so much for coming and celebrating Luke’s life and hearing his story. I hope it can help some understand more what it’s like for someone dealing with this.
Love,
Carol (Luke’s Mom)