Two Years
Two years ago today you'd been gone a week. I remember how it seemed so unfair that 7 days had already passed without you in them. I got ready for the service thinking you'd have liked my dress then cried because you'd never see it. The funeral went just as you and I had planned. The songs, the message, it all held your fingerprint and our plan. But you were not there. That day was full of every emotion. I was happy to see and be included in all the Ferguson activity. It was amazing to see who all showed up! Everyone loved your idea of pizza! Sadly, it was such a good day and you would have loved it. It was also a day I felt deep hurt and anger. When I checked the names of those who didn't come, who didn't show you respect. My protective spicy side wanted to fight for your honour and remind this world that we'd lost someone amazing! In the last two years I've revisited those emotions. Happy memories. Sad days. Exhaustion just from missing you. Tears because the smell of coffee is not coming from a steaming cup in your hand. Weeping because I can't find your trickle charger and I'm afraid of what I've done to it. Angry at those who have forgotten or who never saw the incredible value of you. May 6, 2023 was hard. May 13, 2023 was just as hard. Maybe harder. Now in 2025 it's not easier. It's more final. My brain is starting to come out of shock - yes, it's taken this long! - and I get jolted when I realize you are not coming home. Or that I can't text you. Or hear your voice. So I'm sad and super duper lonely. And I'm grateful. You taught me about my value. You taught me that real love is hard but better than beautiful. I'd marry you again. Even though. If I got to see you again. If I came to visit you at the cemetery and you could actually hear me, I'd say thank you. Thank you for being ready to go to Jesus. Thank you for talking with me about it all. Thank you for giving me the honour of not only loving you through death, but of holding hands with our Saviour through it all. He's never left me. You've gone on ahead and I feel so alone. But I'm not. Emmanuel has held me, collected my tears, carried my heart, and given me a depth of hope I wouldn't have had without this grief. I'm feeling joy more days. I'm starting to share my hope with others. I'm living again. Differently. Still good. I'll always carry this hole in my heart until I see you again. I know I'm created in God's image and I can hold both sadness and joy together. I can miss you with tears and laughter. I do. I will. You're not forgotten. Love you, Scott. I'm two years closer to seeing you! I can hardly wait!
