Phillip Saba Khoulis

In Memory of My Brother, Phillip

Thank you all for being here today to remember my brother, Phillip.

I’ve thought so much about what I could possibly say today, because there are so many things I wish I could say to him instead.

Phillip was my only brother. He was my mom’s only boy, and for so much of our lives, he was one of the most important people in my world.

Our relationship wasn’t always easy. I want to be honest about that today. I can’t pretend that everything between us was perfect. It wasn’t. I know my sisters and I feel the same way about this and we all have our regrets.

Those arguments. Those things we said and did that hurt each other. Those times when we were angry and stayed away from each other.

But now, knowing we will never have the chance to change those moments, we have regrets.

I regret the times I was judgmental. I regret the times I chose to stay away when maybe I should have gotten closer.

I wish I would have been more patient to understand how much he was struggling.
His addiction was something that was difficult and painful to watch for all of us.
But that does not define Phillip.
Phillip was so much more than that.

He was brave. He was kind. He was handsome. He was adventurous. He was funny, loving, and full of life.
Phillip was incredibly smart. I don’t think people gave him enough credit for how intelligent he was. He had a mind of his own, and he saw things that other people didn’t always see.

As much as I hate admitting it, my brother was usually right.

Especially when it came to the boys I dated or my friends in high school.

Every time I thought he was being overprotective or thought he was wrong about someone, somehow, years later, I realized Phillip was right. He always seemed to know when someone wasn’t good for me.

That was my big brother. He always had my back, even when I didn’t realize it.

When we were younger, we were so close.

We were wild kids. We would ride our bikes for hours. We would stay up late playing Pokémon on our Nintendo 64 and watching scary movies. We listened to MGK together, and one of my favorite memories is going to his concert with him.

And then there were the parties.

Phillip and I used to throw some absolutely wild parties. The kind of parties people talked about for years afterward.

We made so many memories together. Some were crazy, some were ridiculous, and some were just ordinary moments that I never realized would one day become the memories I would miss the most.

We lost our dad when we were young, and I know that loss affected Phillip deeply throughout his life. We were kids trying to grow up without our dad, and I think there were things inside of him that he carried for a very long time.

But no matter what Phillip went through, he always had this strength in him.

He was one of the strongest people I have ever known.

He went through things that could have completely broken him, and somehow, he kept getting back up.

And before he passed away, he did something that I am so incredibly proud of him for.

He got sober.

He turned his life around.

He got a good job. He got his dream car. He moved to Texas with our mom and our Finn to start a new life.

And he was happy.

We all got to see it.

We got to see Phillip becoming the person he wanted to be. And anyone who knew him was so proud of him.

I was so proud of him.

I wish he could have known just how proud I was.

Phillip loved being a dad.

His four beautiful children—Jacob, Leo, Phillip Jr., and Miss Haven—were his whole world.

When he talked about his kids, you could see how much they meant to him. Being their dad was one of the most important parts of who he was.

I hope they always know how deeply their dad loved them.

I hope they remember his laugh, his smile, his adventurous spirit, and all the ways he made them feel loved.

Phillip loved life. He loved motorcycles. He loved nice cars. He loved adventure. He loved making memories.

And one thing about Phillip that I will never forget is that he always told people he loved them.

Even when we were mad at each other.

Even when things between us weren’t good.

Whenever Phillip saw me, he would tell me that he loved me.

And I am so thankful for that.

Because now I understand just how important those words were.

Our last memory together is something I will cherish for the rest of my life.

After years of not being together the way we used to be, we got all the kids together for a barbecue. The kids played and had a huge water balloon fight. Everyone was together. We were just family.

I am so grateful that our last memory together was a good one.

I wish I could go back and tell Phillip so many things.

I wish I could tell him that I never stopped loving him.

I wish I could tell him that I was sorry for the times I wasn’t there.

I wish I could tell him that I understand now that he was trying to figure out this world just like the rest of us.

I wish I could tell him that I forgive him for the things that hurt me.

More than anything, I wish I had told him all of this while he was still here.

Phil, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for the times I judged you instead of understanding you.

I’m sorry for the times I stayed away when I should have been there.

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was angry.

And I’m sorry that I didn’t realize how much time we might have left.

I will carry that regret with me for the rest of my life.

But I also want to carry the good.

I want to remember my big brother as the boy who rode bikes with me for hours.

The brother who stayed up late playing Pokémon and watching scary movies with me.

The brother who went to concerts with me.

The brother who could throw a party that people would talk about for years.

The brother who was always protective of me.

The brother who loved his children with everything he had.

The brother who kept getting back up.

The brother who was brave enough to change his life.

The brother who always told me he loved me.

Phillip, you were so much more than the hardest moments of your life.

You were my brother.

You were a son.

You were a father.

You were a friend.

You were someone who loved deeply, even when life made it difficult.

And you were loved more than you probably ever realized.

I hope wherever you are now, you are finally at peace.

I hope you’re with Dad.

I hope you’re free from every struggle you carried here.

And I hope you know how incredibly proud we all are of you.

I love you, Phil.

I will always love you.

You will always be my big brother.

And no matter how much time passes, nothing can change that.

Rest peacefully, Phillip.

Until we meet again.