Taylor Ray Stevenson

I miss you.

This sucks. That’s all. That’s it. I miss you.

💔

Anger is a slight emotion on how I have felt this last month. I have felt more anger in the last month than I felt my entire lift. Im angry at the fact that youre gone. The fact that the world FAILED you, the justice system FAILED you, the EMTs FAILED you. I’m angry at the fact that you can’t watch your kids grow up, the fact that you felt so alone that you chose this way out. The fact that the world made you a monster. I’m angry at the fact that I didn’t get to tell you Goodbye, how much I loved you, how much everyone else loved and cherished you. I’m just angry at the world because its not fair. YOU SHOULD BE HERE!! Ive been through some shit in my life, let me tell you… BUT losing my sibling is by FAR the hardest thing. It altered my brain in a way ill never be able to fix. It changed my mindset. My future. My life. Everything changed. I never would’ve thought that easter of 2022, you were literally talking about songs to play at your funeral.. How youd want it to go. Your fears of death. So many things that were overlooked and for that im sorry… I failed you too. I just could never even think that losing my brother would’ve been something id ever have to fave. Ive had one dream about you that felt so real, that I woke up in a panic. You touched my face and told me “Im okay”. I try to hold on to that thought but so many questions still surround me. There are days I just want to call you to come over... Days I just want to give you a big ole hug just so I can feel the heartbeat of home. I miss you more than I can put into words… more than my depressed soul can show, more than my heart can take. So much it hurts in my bones. Somedays I sit on the porch and watch my kids play.. memories flood. I get so jealous. I get jealous because they are still in the thick of their childhood together…. Playing Barbies, pestering each other, fighting over a dumb toy, who gets to rid the gokart first.. what ever it may be because looking at them.. all I see is us.. like we were all those years ago. I catch myself remembering the life we had growing up. The entire first half of our existence was spent with each other. Even when we were apart, we were always worried about each other. Something I never knew until a few month back.. your mom told me, “I remember Taylor would take the ad magazines and go through and circle the things he wanted to get for you because he didn’t want you to be left without.” It breaks my heart every time I think about it because damn you really were my best friend. We were woven together by default, but we were best friends at heart even if we did stray away for a few years. Life sucked for both of us at the time and Ill never forgive myself for that lost time. Most of my treasured memories from our childhood have you in them. We took life for granted. So many late nights facetiming or calls, snaps, whatever just talking about life, life’s troubles, the good days and bad. The random tiktoks.. even if you were making fun of me. The random memes. You’re one of my favorite people and boy do I wish I knew all those years ago just how special you were and just how much I would one day miss you and crave your presence so badly. But now you’re in heaven... It feels unfair. Unfair that every memory made from that day forward won’t have you in it. The kids wont ever get to have those sleepovers we talked about, they won’t know that cousin bond we always said our kids would have, we don’t get to call each other up and talk about the dumb thing Aaron did or talk about how dad is retarded because whatever. My kids won’t ever have a bond with their uncle. None of it. Its not fucking fair. I tell them everyday to cherish every single moment with their sibling.. even if they don’t understand. Ill forever pray that my kids will nurture the same chokehold of love for each other like we did in our lifetime. Sibling grief is often overlooked and we are kind of stuck holding it together for everyone else. Your momma has really been a staple in keeping me afloat. She shares stories and checks in on me regularly. Josh too. I pray Josh and I can become close and have each other to lean on through the years to come. I know youd want nothing more than to be here. Im sure your probably laughing saying shut up dummy. If you can see us, you already know just how much you are missed.. Just how much im barely holding it together. Your death changed so many things about life. I love you Taylor Ray. Heres to facing another year without you.. I better go now.. the lawn people are looking at me like I’m crazy because I can’t hold it together. This year hearts more than I imagined it would. 😭😭 Even my babies miss you. I know your babies do so much more.

Year 2.

How is it we’ve already made it two years without you. Nothings changed. It all still hurts like hell. I miss you down here.

Missing you.

Man today.. I don’t even have words. I know you didn’t know her… but Mady a sweet little Girl who was close to us and chads family, joined you in heaven last Sunday. Today was her service.. the first service I’ve been to since yours.. I talked myself up all day to go.. not knowing that I would almost hit my knees when i seen her casket. It was white with a silver accents on it, just as yours was. It took my breath away and all I could do was picture that day almost two years ago on June 27th that I was standing there in the almost in same position watching them close that casket on you for the very last time. My damn hurt stopped beating. This shit sucks. I feel so alone… I’d give any thing to just hear you tell me it’s all okay. My heart is aching. This grief sucks. As a sibling, you get over looked a lot in grief but let me tell ya, the impact you have on my heart is huge bub. I know you’re given Heaven some hell, catching the biggest bass probably from a pond you aren’t supposed to be at, and watching us all. This crap sucks without you here. I have so much to tell you. Every time something comes up, I wait for your call.. I can just hear you. Well I guess I’ll stop babbling now. June is sneaking up fast, and time passing dang sure doesn’t make it any easier. I love you bubba. I’ll see you again soon. 😞

Tracy Smith 131w

April, 2024

June is coming. It’s sits heavy in my heart. Nothing compares to this type of pain. I looked through pictures and videos to see you today. Here’s one of my favorites. Your personality was large. My grief is large. I miss you every second of every day.

03.08.2024

Still so weird coming out here to see you. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to it. The two year mark is creeping up on us.. I went to Grandpa Hal’s memorial today. I know yall are rejoicing in Heaven. I bet he couldn’t wait to hug your neck. The hardest part was hearing “proceeded in death by his grandson Taylor”. I don’t think you ever get used to hearing that. I miss you beyond words. I talk and think about you daily. I just wish the circumstances were different and I wasn’t having to sit here and visit with you. I have so much to tell you. I love you Taylor Ray. Save a seat for me.

Tracy Smith 148w

Christmas Day 2023

24 Christmases was not enough. I miss you more than words could ever convey. I love you kiddo.

Christmas Eve ‘23

While we didn’t get to spend many Christmas’s together in our adult years, my heart is still so heavy with regret during the holidays. I wish I would’ve spent more time together these days. The if’s are the hardest part.. if I could go back, I’d make it a priority to spend more time and holidays with my siblings. If I could go back, I’d make a packed to spend more time with you. It sucks. I miss you so much. I know you are celebrating Jesus’s birthday with him once’s again and I’m sure it’s oh so beautiful. I love you Taylor.

Tracy Smith 149w

Breakfast before church 12/17/2023

I come out here sometimes on Sunday mornings before church. Sometimes to grieve. Sometimes to reflect. Always missing you. It was an interesting week. Between Lindsay’s dream, Bobbi’s ring camera and my heart just heavy I felt I just needed to feel close to you. Yeah, I know you’re not here but I feel close to you here. Next weekend will be crazy with Christmas but geez you get to celebrate Jesus’ birthday with Him. I guess that’s pretty cool but we sure miss you here kiddo. Love, Mommy

💙💙

I’ll never stop loving you. I’ll never stop missing you. I’ll never stop talking about you to our sweet babies. We love to watch videos and hear your voice. We also love to bring little random things out here for you. Dax & Coop decorated our vase with fish and Dino stickers, they of course left some Dino’s out for you, and Dax’s random windmill he picked just for babe lol. We need to get some new flowers, but sometimes it’s hard to just replace them, and I don’t really know why. I also need to bring Dax’s school picture out to put with Coops. I always forget. You would be so proud of them. They’re so big, smart, and funny. We love being able to see your big smile on the headstone, and of course Dax is obsessed with the fish. Life is weird without you. Grief is hard. It comes in waves. It’s hard to talk about at all. We just try our best to cherish the time we had with you. You’ll always be my person. No matter what. We love you to the moon and back. Forever and for always. “God has you in his arms and I carry you in my heart.” 💙💙

11.30.2023

My sweet brother.. I don’t have words right now. I’m just sitting here with you, in the pouring rain.. all the thoughts running wild through my head. I feel like everyday, I try to process them differently.. it never changes the amount of void my heart has. We added this to your headstone today. It’s always a weird feeling when I put something new out here.. sometimes I feel weird doing it. Sometimes it feels like a dream… and the others, like today it hits t out like a ton of bricks… I miss you so much. I love you fat head.

Tracy Smith 153w

Thanksgiving 2023

As I prepare this week for the second Thanksgiving without you my heart is no less broken today than it was the day you ran ahead of me to Heaven. Time does not heal this type of wound. You are missed my son more than you could ever know and my momma heart mourns your absence even more this time of year it seems. #Taylorsmom #forever25