Hunter James Hamilton

When 2021 started we were all excited about what was to come, a new baby and new house was in our future. We got moved just in time to have baby Gunner just when I thought everything was perfect I was hit with what I thought was the worst day of my life BG had to stay in the nicu for 11 days. When we finally brought him home everything was perfect again. I had three amazing boys all happy and healthy. I was a little worried about the big kids with the baby but all those worries went away. They loved him and were such a big help. I didn’t think I could be any happier. Then on December 30 just before 11am as I was playing with the baby I got a call from Wes. I didn’t think anything about it because hunter had spent the night there but when I answered the phone he was crying and saying that hunter was blue. Something I never expected or thought I would hear. I told him I would be right there. I was home alone with the baby without a car. Thankfully mike was less than a mile away. We raced to Wes’s house. I was strangely calm. When we pulled up there were two fire trucks , several police cars and an ambulance that was driving away. When I went inside to figure out what was going on some officers were talking with Wes as he was panicking and others were trying to talk to hunters friend to figure out what happened. I stood there for a few minutes without anyone Acknowledging that I was even in the room. I asked if I even needed to be there or if I could go to the hospital. They said yes since your the mother you can go. So Mike and I got in the car and headed to the hospital. When I got there i watched 10 or more people work tirelessly for almost two hours to revive my baby, my first born. I had no words just prayers. One of the firefighters stayed there the whole time just trying to explain to me what they were doing and I am so thankful for him and I wish I would have told him thank you but I just couldn’t talk. They moved him to picu where they told me they would do everything they could but it wasn’t going to help in his opinion. That it was just hurting him and asked if I wanted to continue. That’s when I finally cried and told him I can’t make that decision and I needed him to do what was best. We waited for the rest of the family to come. And at 2:12 pm of December 30, 2021 I lost my son forever. I kissed and hugged him. I sang him silent night just like I did when he was a baby. We stayed with him as long as they let us stay but the time finally came and I left that hospital heart broken and changed forever. 15 years and 16 days just wasn’t enough time with my son but I’m thankful for that time and experience with him. I know that he is always with me but it’s just not the same. Everyday is hard knowing he isn’t here but I find peace in know he is safe now. Sometimes I just pretend he is at his friends house just to get through the day other times I just sit in his room just to be able to smell his things, to cry, or just talk to him. It’s been almost 18 months now since that day. I question why him, why me, why us? I feel shame, guilt, anger and sadness all at the same time. Shame and guilt that I wasn’t there or that he wasn’t at my house, that I smile when the younger boys do something new or exciting or that I laugh at times. But with every laugh or smile it is followed by extreme sadness. Sometimes you would be able to tell that it hit me again that he is gone but most of the time is just an unbearable pain on the inside. There hasn’t been a day go by that I haven’t cried or that you could say was a good day but there is good minutes and sometimes even hours that I can say are as good as they can be for now. When we were at the hospital the Chaplin told me to just take it one second at a time and that’s what I have been and will continue doing. The grief will never go away it will always be apart of me but we will learn to live through it. He was a young man with a bright future. He was passionate about skateboarding and was hoping to get sponsored one day. Even when he was younger he always said he wanted to be famous. He had such a big heart and always wanted to make someone smile. His friends have said he was always the happiest one in the room. But a close friend said it best. He was a special kid, ornery, smart, defiant and perfect. He could harness the power to cause a riot but yet be the most polite kid ever. He was truly loved by so many and absolutely will be missed. I miss you more everyday.

12/14/06-12/30/21