Another letter to my son
Well its been one year today since we lost our son, brother, grandson, nephew, cousin. Camreen James Hathaway 07/04/1997 - 09/11/2021 So I'm writing this letter to my son in heaven. I can't say it's getting any easier, even with a years time gone by. I look at your picture every day and try not to cry when I tell you good morning, goodnight or that I miss you so much. Sometimes I watch the tiktok videos you made talking to the dogs, just to hear your voice again @ imhathawaythere on tiktok. I think of you all the time, there's so many things that remind us of you. Every time your mother and I look at each other we think of you. Every time I see or hear anything to do with or about diabetes. Every commercial on TV about it i look up at your picture and tell you I'm sorry. I wish we would have gotten you the best equipment to possibly have changed what happened to you. I will never forgive myself, the healthcare / health insurance industry in this country or the people who vote to keep it this way for letting this happen to you. Everyone deserves the best medical equipment/ medication regardless of their financial /employment situation. I wish I could say that I have turned your passing into the profound life lesson it should be. Like my good friend Joe Gorman has been able to do with his son's passing. But I haven't yet come to terms with my spirituality or lack their of, to be able to accept this as part of " God's plan " I wish it was that easy but it's just not for me. I wish I could tell you that I've become the greatest husband/dad that I promised you I'd be. Although I wake every day with those intentions making those changes is very hard to do. Just know that I will never stop trying to be the best I can be to your mother, brother and sister. I think back to some of my interactions with you and some of the " tough love " approach, thinking I was preparing you for a tough life in a rough world. Now in hindsight I wish I would have just been nicer to you. If I'd have known your life was going to be cut so short, I would have helped you experience more things instead doing things the " right way " or " safe way ". Now this leaves me quite perplexed on how to approach things pertaining to your brother and sister. The " life is short " live for now or " life is hard " prepare for the future? These questions bother me every day now. I want to just throw caution to the wind and live for today! But I worry constantly about not being prepared for the future. I'm not sure I'll ever know the right answer so I'm just gonna try and find some kind of balance between them. I don't know if I'll ever be able to stop rethinking that Sunday morning or the days before and after. And all the things I " could have " or " should have " done differently. I will always live with a massive amount of regret. So if nothing else, maybe that regret will be the constant reminder and motivation to keep trying to better myself and be better for your mom, brother and sister. We miss you so much , I hope you found Diamond and Zeus right away and then we sent Marmaduke just before your first heavenly birthday. LOVE, DAD
